carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
