Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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