so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
