I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
are you so shy because you have an std?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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