I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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