John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
