I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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