I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
