I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
