Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
