Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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