There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
