I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
