Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She told me I should be a condom model.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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