Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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