Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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