Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
