waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
