Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
