Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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