Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
