glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I don't think brook has ever known best
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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