Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
