if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
