the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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