Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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