My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
