I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
