Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
