We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
