Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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