woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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