my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
