I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
