Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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