I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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