Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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