had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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