new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
