Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
