If i come over, it means nothing
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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