He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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