she is the kim kardashian of front butts
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize