i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
