My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
