I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I wear drunk well.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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