need another drink. this is the easiest way
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
