I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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