I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
