First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
