I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
