I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
