Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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