I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
