I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
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