I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
